I had stretch marks before I was pregnant

I wanted to write this post years ago, before I even thought of having a baby, then I started writing it while I was pregnant, but i deleted it within that same hour.

The truth is, I’m terrified of this subject.

Mortified.

Embarrassed.

Annoyed.

Saddened.

The list goes on.

Here’s the deal: instead of awkwardly shying around the topic and just praying no one ever sees this, I’m going to jump right in.

I had stretch marks before I was pregnant.

Long before.

Years before.

Take me back to 6th grade puberty, 13 years ago when I thought I was weird for so many other changes, stretch marks were just one more thing to hate.

I’ve had stretch marks literally for as long as I can remember looking at my thighs.

Long before I was pregnant.

I want to make that the point. I want that to be the ONLY point.

Now disclaimer: your pregnancy is beautiful and all the scars and marks from carrying an actual human are wonderful. I am not taking any of that away.

However;

For 25 years, I was taught to associate stretch marks with pregnancy. Taught that stretch marks are stripes you’ve earned, a privilege from carrying a child, memories of creating a baby, etc. etc. etc.

I look on Instagram and see so many moms positively talking about their tummies and their beauty and gratitude.

It’s always associated with pregnancy.

But, I had stretch marks before I was pregnant.

For the past decade, I have spent time cursing my body. I have spent days ashamed of myself. I wouldn’t wear swimsuits. I wouldn’t wear shorts. I hid them with all my might thinking someone seeing my skin with little lines of purple would be the end of me.

And get this… this is sad. This breaks my actual heart as I look back at jr high kylie, but I had a plan that if, by some misstep, someone got a glimpse of those scars, I would tell them I used to self harm and those were the outcome.

Ow.

Big ouch.

Can you believe that?? Can you believe that as a young girl, I would rather lie about hurting myself than admit that I am an actual human with real, natural, normal skin that stretched as I grew into my body?

I can’t.

I can’t believe that spent half my life hiding from my natural body. I use to dream of the day I would get pregnant because then at least I would have an “excuse” for having stretch marks. At least when I got pregnant, there would be a reason and I could ~finally~ call them “beautiful”.

But, I had stretch marks before I was pregnant.

Because I am human.

Because I went through puberty.

Because sometimes skin just stretches.

And now I have more. Lots more. Tons more. And let me tell you, I don’t love the new ones anymore than the old. I don’t feel any more valid and definitely don’t think they’re anymore beautiful. (But if you do, that’s cool too)

I have them and had them long ago. That’s the whole point.

Anyway.. that’s the end.

I’m posting this at 2am while snuggling my baby, but wishing high school me could have read it. So, even if you can’t relate, I hope there’s at least one young girl that can feel a little more seen. I also kind of hope no one except her reads this because wow do I feel vulnerable and embarrassed..

2 thoughts on “I had stretch marks before I was pregnant

  1. Kylie Ray,
    You have such an amazing way of putting strong emotions with words. I think the majority of regular or at least “Buchi” women can relate to this post but have never been able to find the literation to go with it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please continue to do so as much as you can! I love reading yours and your dads blogs. You guys have no idea how great of writers you are and how much inspiration you bring to those of us that just can’t figure out how to put our thoughts “on paper”. Keep up the good work. I cannot even wait a second longer to meet baby Miller! Love you Ky!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s