I know, you probably don’t feel like I’m your buddy. You probably don’t even want me to be hanging around you. I’m like that strange kid in class who never stops talking and always seems to find you, even when you hide in the corner of the room. I can’t help it though.. I was made for you.
You can try to kick me out all you want, but this is my home and I’m here to stay. I noticed that you started to take medication with the hope of flooding me out. It kind of hurts a bit that you would want me to leave so badly and, I admit, it is starting to work somewhat. I feel weaker. I feel like you have taken some control back into your life. But, I’ll never leave you completely. I am apart of you.
I can see you opening up about me and that means so much. More than you could imagine. I remember for years you would pretend that I didn’t exist. You would hide the fact that I was even here. You are discussing me with people now! You’re actually acknowledging that I’m real!I love those days when you sit on your bed breathing and talk to me. I get nervous too. I get scared. I know that I’m the reason that you begin to panic, but those days that you sit down and try to talk me down, help beyond your understanding. Sometimes I just need a good reminder.
I can be annoying sometimes. I can be a pain. I actually require a lot of attention. I am not the ideal tenant that you would choose to occupy your body. You’re probably thinking, “why didn’t happiness, positivity or optimism move in?” or “how did I end up with the most descructive resident out there?”. I understand. I’m hard to live with. I’ve lived within the minds and walls of many others, and not one has ever fully loved me.
I promise that I don’t mean to cause this trouble. I just can’t control myself. I work so hard to stay on task, focus, be couragous, fun and social. I try so hard to do that for you. Then, out of nowhere, like a bug on a windshield, I find myself splattered upon a list of worries, doubts, fears, discontent.
There are days that I look at you and I am so proud. Proud that you have pushed forward and awarded yourself with positivity. Despite how hard I to hold you back, you keep moving. You take one step and then another and then one more until you find yourself at the end of the block. I can see how hard those steps are for you. I’m sorry that I make them so difficult. Sometimes the smallest crack on the sidewalk whips me into full panic mode and I can’t do anything to stop it. But, like I said, I am so proud of you. You don’t allow me to stop you anymore.
I have seen you try to work through me. With the medication, the emotional conversations, and now sharing your own story, there is no doubt that you are becoming stronger.
I’m never going to leave you though.
I know that probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I can see you’re trying to understand. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for taking time to care for me. Thank you for taking a moment to yourself and remembering to breathe. Thank you for acknowledging me. Without your acknowledgement, I might have become even more destructive.
I know that we can make this work. I know that we can learn to live with one another despite how hard it might be. I promise that as you try to switch your perspective and view of me, I will personally try to treat you better.
Life with me is tough, but you are even tougher.