A few weeks ago, someone hurt me really bad. Someone hit me right where it counts.. the heart. Right in the spot that controls my confidence, self-worth and even dignity. They hit me so hard that, without knowing, I was sent into a dark spiral of doubt, fear and devastation. I didn’t know why, but for the past few weeks I have had no desire to write, to create, to post or to even fill out my personal journal. I have had no motivation, and I sent myself down a deep hole of pity and shame.
It wasn’t until this last week that I realized that there was something eating me alive subconsciously. It didn’t even dawn on me that maybe what this person said had actually effected me. Maybe this person’s words, despite how many times I told myself they didn’t, really hit a nerve. A nerve that caused me to *almost* give up.
Today I am forcing myself to write. I have been sitting at my computer for over and hour, typing, deleting and retyping, but never feeling as if what I am saying is “right”. So, instead of writing my a relatable post about feeling like a loser, I decided to write a letter. Although this letter goes great with the bully who said a mean thing to me, I really wrote it with all those who have ever judged me in mind.
Dear Judgy McJudgerson,
You do not know me. You do not know my trials. You do not know my weaknesses. You do not know what makes me cry, what makes me angry or what makes me laugh.
You have no idea that family is the most important thing in the world to me or that making friends is actually one of my worst fears.
You will never see me stress out and panic everytime I have to face my fears. Besides what I just told you, you don’t even know whtat any of my fears are.
You don’t know my relationship with Christ. You don’t know my relationship with people. You don’t know my relationship with myself.
I bet you never even stopped to think about how I am hurting.
You don’t know how many times I doubt myself, how many times I have to give myself a peptalk. You don’t know how hard it is for me to love myself.
You also don’t know how easy it is for me to love everyone else. You haven’t seen all the times I’ve gone out of my way to talk to someone. You couldn’t imagine the conversations I’ve had with people about what they need. You have no idea how much empathy I have for other humans.
We could have been friends. We could have hung out. Who knows how many random hobbies we have in common. We could have helped eachother.
Maybe you would have realized that I’m not the person you’ve created in your head. That I am actually the exact opposite.
If you would have given me one day, one conversation, one chance, I guarantee I wouldn’t have disappointed you.
But, you decided to judge me.
You decided to take the one glimpse of my life that you saw on a screen and create an entire miss-shaped character that didn’t come remotely close to representing me.
You chose you take your small view of me and throw out the idea that there is a bigger picture.
You do not know me.
You know what you heard about me.
You know what you’ve seen in pictures.
You know that sometimes I make mistakes.
You know that I am a human.
But, you do not know me.